Sunday, March 26, 2017
Part I: How Do You Know You Are Walking In Your Purpose?
February 4th I decided to get really honest with myself. I wrote about my greatest fears and desires. Thoughts are things; they are not meant to be ignored. Our thoughts are indicators of our state of being. How many times have you told yourself "Well, I can't control the thoughts that run through my head."? Yes, we can control the thoughts we entertain. We can think - on purpose.
I did not come to Washington DC to move further away from who I am but, to move in the direction of that which brings me closer to feeling free. And yet, I allowed myself to entertain fear, worry and doubt. Instead of focusing on creating experiences that felt good, I began focusing on conditioned thinking; this held me at a 'stand-still', physically and spiritually. The Universe however does not allow for waste so the contrast I experienced this past six months served great purpose.
I did everything I could to keep "my job". I began getting up at 4:00 amish to do yoga and prepare food so, that I could maintain my physical and mental health. The more I tried the more I resented having to go to work. As a result, I began doing everything I could at work to stay sane. I began listening to teachings on The Law of Attraction, Metaphysics and Alpha Binaural healing frequencies which serve to repair DNA and unlock higher frequencies in you. I was doing this everyday, almost all day. Nothing else held my attention or satisfied my curiosity. I played these frequencies even as my daughter and I slept. My fear diminished and my peace increased. Let me be clear: I still had anger fits, I still fell in and out of "why me" but, I caught myself faster. I became aware of my thoughts faster, even as I felt myself going "there." It is so important to acknowledge and then, celebrate our advances in our consciousness so, that we do not go inert or regress. We often do not acknowledge (much less celebrate) these types of advances because they are not tangibles IE: money, lover/life partner, weight loss, status, etc...but, these advances are what move us closer to the tangible manifestation of our desires, our vision for self.
I stopped believing I was at an disadvantage and began to see my advantage was in the contrast which was leading me closer to what felt good.
We can not get to happy from miserable. We can not get to abundance from ingratitude. We can not get to healing from a state of dis-ease. We can not get to Love from hate. We can not get to triumph from victimhood. I stopped believing I was at an disadvantage and began to see my advantage was in the contrast which was leading me closer to what felt good. This shift in thought, increased my momentum for actively receiving more good feeling opportunities. An awesome thing happened. I began having flashbacks of the happiest times in my life involved me using my intuition, insight or curiosity to create my reality to empower myself or someone else. This began when I was just a little girl. I pretended - creating my future. I laid on the tar roof top of our tenement building in the South Bronx and followed my curiosities.
I remembered freely boarding every airplane that flew above that tar roof top. I became a math teacher and wrote math problems on the hallway walls; taught an invisible class of students. My cousins, sisters and I pretended to be doctors, conducted physicals, prescribed remedies and healed patients. We circled up on the hallway floor and played the ‘What If’ game. The ‘What If’ game is the Spiritual Equivalent of bodybuilding. The stakes are high and there is no 'playing it safe'. We imagined the most outrageously difficult situations and offered our solutions. We asked ourselves: "What if you knew the world was ending? What would you do?" We invented Survivor. We were our own super heroes. At what point in life does it become not okay, to do this?
Then, there are seemingly insignificant memories of my cousin coming over and playing. I remember pretending to be her voice instructor, lol! My cousin could not sing, y'all...she has the raspiest voice ever. But, I made her sing her little heart out. Did she become a famous singer? No. The point is it felt amazing to coach her out of her shell. And that is the thread running through my original question: How do I know I am walking in my purpose; my calling? When I create experiences that feel really good.
There is a common and widely accepted misconception that our purpose looks like one repeated action which we have to work hard to perfect and attain recognition from others - not so. See yourself as a house with many rooms. We have so many skills and talents and when we execute them we feel good! When we do one good feeling action we activate another. As a result, we begin to reach higher levels of our consciousness. We begin to walk in our power to create.
In Part IV of Six Degrees of Separation I vividly recount my body's physical protest against the direction I was forcing myself to go. I received words of wisdom that everything would be alright. I healed. However with each passing month, I grew more and more claustrophobic at work. I felt guilty about resenting a highly coveted job with an excellent salary. Creative ways of collaborating internally and externally to generate business at work began to flood my consciousness. The more ideas I shared with my colleagues and management, the more inert their responses became. I began to mentally separate myself from my physical location at work.
I asked The Universe to help me let-go of the fear-based reality I had created and help me regain the courage to walk in the direction of my desires. Listening to an Esther Hicks teaching, I heard her say "Do not feel guilty about feeling miserable at work or, of daydreaming about where you would really like to be or, what you would really like to be doing. You are creating the reality you truly desire. Your feelings about what you do not want are necessary to help you know what you do want. By envisioning yourself doing what you do want to be doing, in the place you want to do it, you are calling it into being. When I heard this, I no longer felt like an ingrate. I felt a sense of confidence that everything was working out and I was moving in the right direction. I boldly moved towards visions that felt good.
I received an email from a sister friend inviting me to the The Black Love Experience "a conglomerate of artistry and inventiveness geared towards creatives, revolutionaries, kindred souls, and fearless visionaries celebrating ourselves under the canopy of all things Black." (Nubian Hueman, 2017). Immediately, I felt good envisioning the space and being in it. Everything I experienced on the evening of Feb. 18th led me back to me. As I entered the Anacostia Arts center that evening, I felt a deep deja vu. I was standing in an almost 20 year vision to cooperatively own and operate an arts-based higher learning center.
The Universe has all the answers, for our questions. The biggest question we all have is: Who am I?
Everywhere I looked; every room I entered in the Anacostia Arts Center felt good. There was so much to see, touch, smell and experience: visual artwork, artisan natural soaps, body oils, African-inspired hand-crafted jewelry, clothes, shoes, hair care, live music performances, live DJin', food, body massage and Wombyn's as well as Men's only holistic health workshops.
There is a recurring theme in my life...and it reappeared as I entered the Wombyn's only: Womb Work (Earth) workshop in the Black Box Honfleur Gallery. I crossed the floor over to the stadium-style bleachers. There were no less than 80 Women seated, standing, squatting, chatting excitedly. There was only one male in the room: the DJ who manipulated the wax. A beautiful Sistuh with waist-length, platinum, locked tresses shyly walked across the middle of the stage taking full ownership of time and space. She dressed in simple black tee and leggings; silver links with charms adorned her ankles and feet. In an unassuming, sweet, raspy voice Mayasa Telfair welcomed us and without warning took us on a journey to our Kundalini Power.
Sis. Mayasa exudes an weightlessness in her spirit that emanates joy. Her humility and genuine joy is what captured my attention; it was infectious. She talked to us about our powerful female energy, our power to create healing in our mind, bodies, and soul through our sexuality. As she unfolded her wisdom on the "alchemy of ecstasy, sensual celebration, awakening and channeling sexual energy with yoni egg gemstones" connections flooded my consciousness. Mayasa asked if anyone had ever experienced vaginal steaming. The year I decided to leave Massachusetts I accepted an invitation to a women's womb health gathering followed by a vaginal steam gathering. I brought my 10 year old daughter with me; it was one of the most empowering experiences I have ever had with as a Wombyn and Mother. Standing there in the dark Gallery, I saw my path illuminated.
Stay tuned for Part II of How Do You Know You are Walking in Your Purpose...